On the matter of the serving of refreshments; an eye on intrusion

I have recently expanded and redeveloped my showroom area and to celebrate this, have constructed a device of great social import - an Automated Champagne Waiter, controlled by its own specialised engine and the most accurate thermometers available to chill the vintage champagne to the perfect temperature and pour it as if one was in the finest Paris hotel. Moreover, it has the capacity to top up one's glass as often as desired. (It will not actually follow one around doing this. That is a project for later I feel.)



I think, though, that it could be improved. Dear reader, what is it that you would most like to see from a champagne device? I'm at a bit of a loss for ideas for improvement.

Incidentally, I would hope that no visitors consume so much champagne that they come to believe that damaging the highly volatile fuel tank on the dirigible deck is a good idea. A few impacts from high-velocity items such as bullets and... well, I'm not responsible for the consequences, and my lawyers confirm this.

I would also appreciate it if they did not use the high-speed transit chairs if their stomachs are feeling a tad unstable, as there is nobody to clean the area apart from myself, and I am a modern woman who does not feel it is her place to do such a thing. We are not living in the eighteenth century any more. I trust that anyone becoming ill after a jaunt will bring their own mop and bucket.

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More practically, I note that folk are still complaining about the interference of ne'r-do-wells in their home areas, and I agree that it is most improper occurrence should someone return again and again to taunt a lady or gentlemen, and take photographs of their bedroom activities, which I am informed is a common pastime of such people. With this in mind there is now a Defensive Panopticon available, easily updatable with specific names, that warns one when any of those on the list of unwelcome people is around.



Of course, there is always the ban tool on a land parcel, but that does not help anyone who has chosen to make their home some way above the ground, and if one has a somewhat small area it is quite possible for a ruffian to sit very close and listen in to one's private conversations. For this reason, the Panopticon alerts people whenever offenders come within ninety-six metres, over one's land or not, and has the potential (if so desired) to eject them at any altitude should they trespass.

I have often pledged never to produce any so-called "security" item that is indiscriminate in its effects, throwing pilots out of aeroplanes and so forth, but one which requires specific names to be added I feel is quite legitimate. This is a simple device, which I designed some time ago, and have been meaning to release for some time once it has developed a friendlier interface.

It must be said that it might be considered somewhat, well, intimidating in appearance.